


Pity/Empty

by MissErikaCourt



Series: Winter Rivetra Week 2018 [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Bring tissues, F/M, Feelings, Hurt, Listen this is just a bunch of angst, Major character death - Freeform, levi x petra - Freeform, rivetra, this one hurt to write, winter rivetra week 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-10
Updated: 2018-02-10
Packaged: 2019-03-16 09:35:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,410
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13633596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MissErikaCourt/pseuds/MissErikaCourt
Summary: I skipped straight to day 6 of Rivetra week because I am really not in the right mindset to write the prompt for day 5 today. I'll go back and get to it tomorrow, but today you get this one. It is sad, it is angsty. I'm proud of it despite the way I had to feel in order to write it. I hope you all enjoy.





	Pity/Empty

He tries not to think about it. If he thinks about it he won't be able to go on. The empty feeling of being without them, without _her_ , just keeps following him, though. He doesn't know if he should shut the feeling out or let it consume him. He doesn't know if he should pity them all for being dead so soon or be happy that they don't have to live in this fucked up world anymore. Regardless, though, it hurts to think about it.

Levi can't go a day without seeing her face in his mind, hearing her voice echo through his memories, because if he lets himself go a day without those things he's worried that he'll forget them forever. He doesn't _want_ to forget her. He doesn't _want_ to forget any of them, but she's the one that he desperately needs to remember the most. She's the one that he regrets losing the most. She's the only person that really meant anything to him at this point in his life. But now she's gone, and he's empty and alone and it _hurts_.

He feels just as empty as the small home that they'd bought together. Without her, it's just a house. It would never feel like home again, not without her. He wonders if he can go on living here without her around. Everything he sees reminds him of her. Her smile, her laugh, the way she looked at him like he was the only person in the world. Every little thing in this house reminds him of those things and so much more that he'll never be able to have again. He remembers all of those things, thinks of them fondly, but ever since her death he just can't bring himself to speak her name.

If he spoke her name out loud now, with no one here to answer to it, it would make the whole situation final. Final was what it actually was, there was no doubt about that, but if he could just keep from saying her name then maybe, just maybe, he could pretend that she would come back to him. Maybe he could fool himself into believing that she's still here. If he says her name and she doesn't answer him, though, he's afraid that he wouldn't be able to control his grief anymore. He's afraid that the blackness lurking at the edges of his psyche would take over, make him something darker and worse than he already is.

He knows, deep down, that there's no escaping it, though. He knows that he'll have to face the fact of her death eventually. He knows that he'll have to hear her name, that he'll have to speak it, that he'll have to breathe life into the reality in front of him. But he hopes that he can hold on to the past for just a little while longer. At least until the ceremony that the corps would hold to honor those who died on the expedition. At least until then he could pretend that she was still here.

Hanji comes to check on him sometimes, but he doesn't want to see her. He doesn't want to see anyone but the one person that he can never see again. He knows that Hanji is just trying to help him, to comfort him, but how could he find any comfort in a world without the one person that made him _feel_ something again? How could he find any happiness in a world that is missing that bright and infectious smile, those warm hazel eyes that seemed to make every trouble he ever had disappear? The next time Hanji comes to visit him, though, it's to take him to the ceremony, and she knows that he isn't ready for it.

They walk together, not speaking, not looking at each other, but still, they walk. Her presence is a small comfort, regardless of what he knows he'll have to face when they arrive at their destination. When they do arrive they stand at the back, far enough apart so that Levi feels like he's not surrounded by people. Close enough together for Hanji to be there to support him if he needs her, but he's determined to be strong through the whole thing. He's determined to still be the light at the end of the tunnel that they call war. Humanity's strongest soldier doesn't weep for the fallen. Humanity's strongest soldier doesn't show any emotion, regardless of whose funeral he's attending. Regardless if one of those people that died was the only person he thinks he's ever truly loved.

Levi thinks that Erwin does a better job of seeming unfazed about the situation than he does. The Commander stands at the front of the large group, the survey corps, all gathered to mourn those soldiers that they lost. All gathered to pay their respects to the people that died so that the ones standing here could live. Erwin stands at the front like he's not speaking to a group of people that probably resent him for leading them into battles that they can't possibly win. And Levi stands at the back in the shadows, looking on as Erwin completes his speech.

And then he starts to read the names.

The names of all those soldiers lost on the 57th expedition outside the walls. The names of those soldiers that dedicated their hearts and fought valiantly to protect the world inside the walls.

Gunther Schultz.

Eld Gin.

Oluo Bozado.

Petra Ral.

He hears himself suck in air but doesn't register the breath. It feels more like all the air has been expelled from his body. It feels like his heart has been ripped out of his chest and stomped into the dirt. It feels like all the happiness in the world has been dashed away when he hears her name leave Erwin's lips. A name that he could have gone his whole life without hearing again and a name that he wished he could hear without feeling all this pain. There are more names after hers, more names that deserve his attention, but he can't focus on them now.

He registers the fact that Hanji has turned her head to look at him, that she's probably concerned for him, that she probably pities him. He _hates_ that she pities him, but he knows that it's not her fault that she doesn't like to see him like this. He knows that she's just worried about his well being. He knows that she's seen him lose people before and she knows the consequences of that. She was there when he lost Isabel, when he lost Farlan. She _knows_ what happens and that's why she wanted to be with him today. Over the years he's found it easier to hear his two friend's names from that very first expedition, but this one, this name that's still so fresh in his mind, he's not used to hearing this one on the list of casualties yet.

Petra Ral.

The name echoes in his mind, bouncing off of the walls and falling into the pile with all of the other names that hurt him to hear. But this one is on top of the pile. This one stings more than the others because it's fresher, because he cared so deeply for her, and because she cared so deeply in return.

They're at the back of the group, so no one but Hanji notices when Levi leaves the ceremony and storms off into an alleyway because that's as far as he can make it before his legs give out. She's there when he falls to his knees, clutching the empty spot in his chest where his heart should be if it hadn't been left outside of the walls. He finds it harder to breathe with every passing second, but Hanji's hand on his shoulder grounds him, makes him feel like maybe the whole world _isn't_ actually falling apart.

And then he says it. It's more like a whispered prayer than a name. It's more like a plea to whoever took her away from him to just _give her back_. It's more like a sob than a name at all. He says it in the hopes that it will make him feel better somehow.

“Petra.”

But it doesn't make him feel better, it only makes him feel like his world is ending all over again.


End file.
